I had the pleasure of visiting the original Father's Office on Montana a week ago for the first time. The first thing you run into, literally, is the bouncer who IDs you if you look young and asks you "Have you been here before?" no matter what your age is. My standard response to that question is "Yes" because I always hate the speech they give you about the history of wherever the hell you are and about how unique and special it is, but I guess I should have listend this time. Why? Well, I sat at a table for a solid 20 minutes before realizing you order everything at the bar. I would never expect the whole "order at the bar" thing, because everyone always raves about the food here, and usually fancy service accompanies fancy food. However, I suppose it is part of the charm of Father's Office that it doesn't take itself too seriously, and the service is faster this way, so I didn't mind it one bit.
Another big allure of the restaurant was the beer, as evidenced by their ever so subtle sign. The options on tap were extensive and exotic. Beers I had never seen in LA were suddenly at my fingertips; my options were limitless. I hadn't felt this free in a long while (not since I got out of prison, anyway). Beer also helps you get used to the atmosphere. Take the time to enjoy a couple before the meal starts (and keep your eyes open) and a table will surely open up. At times I'm told the jockeying for table space can get to be a little much, but as far as I was concerned there was ample space for everyone and tables were turning over in a timely manner. It's kinda like that Missy Elliot video where her and that dude are drinking Belvedere and all the sudden she looks like Halle Berry through the glass: everything looks better when you're viewing it through the haze of a little booze, so if at first it seems crowded and noisy, after a couple brews it'll seem lively and energetic. Don't run for the door quite yet, grab your beer, wait for a table, and prepare yourself for pure deliciousness.
Before we go too much further, there's a few things I should mention. I don't generally like onions. I think they taste odd and make your breath smell funny and as far as I can tell they don't cure cancer. I tend to avoid them. I imagine if I ever met an onion on the street it might step on the back of my sandal and pretend like it was an accident but everyone knows it wasn't an accident because there is no way to accidentally step on the back of someone's foot. Close talkers exist (and creep me out), close walkers do not. That is not an accident. Anyways, if you hate onions too, I understand, but you need to set aside your fear for a night. Trust me, we're going to get through this.Back to the topic at hand. The staple of Father's Office is their burger, touted by many as the best burger in LA. I have not tried every burger in LA, but I will tell you this is one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten. It comes topped with carmelized onions (it's okay, they're nice), some cheeses, and bacon, and in order to distance themselves from Burger King as much as possible, the folks at Father's Office have decided you cannot have it any other way. The names of everything were of course much fancier (bacon compote, gruyere etc.) but that isn't the point. As parts, there were some items involved that I didn't quite like, but as a whole it was marvelous. Remember onion haters (you too, bleu cheese detractors) You have to take everything in context: for daily use, a condom isn't really the best idea, but when you combine it with a willing partner and a bed and a desire to not get a disease or have a baby all the sudden it's the smartest thing you can do.
Anyways, back to the food. We sampled the beet salad and the fries, but all the other foods are the backup singers to the burger. That isn't to say they weren't good; the fries had a perfect consistency, exactly what you would want out of both crisp normal fries and barely chewy sweet potato fries. The beet salad was good I guess (I mean, come on, it was a fucking beat salad from a pub, since I didn't verbally abuse whoever ordered it I guess it must have been really delicious). Those guys are all the rest of the Jacksons though, and you came to seem Michael. A quick note though: there's no Ketchup. None. No where to be found. Everything is served with various sauces that go very well with the food, but if you're committed to ketchup, bring your own. I'm not saying it needs it, but if you ask Anne, my easily excited coworker, she will get excited and tell you all about how it's unacceptable for a burger place to be ketchupless. As she would say, "that's like The Hills without drama" or something like that. I would probably say "that's like The Hills without boobs" but either way we mean the same thing: it's like taking the best part out of The Hills.So there you have it, my esteemed opinion of the Santa Monica legend Father's Office. Go grab a beer you've never heard of and eat a burger you won't forget, but do it quickly, before all the burgers turn white and their noses start falling off.
