Snakes! Snakes Everywhere!

I've heard about Cobras & Matadors for a while, but until recently I had never made the trek. As you've probably figured out by now I really like to eat, and therefore the general theme of a tapas bar appeals to me greatly. Lots of different foods on little plates, spread out across the table with great goblets of wine everywhere is my dream come true. It makes me feel like King of the Little People, like I've stumbled upon the Keebler Elves' thanksgiving dinner table and I'm the guest of honor. There's something about the sheer number of plates that really makes it look impressive.

Anyway, in the past month I've had the distinct pleasure of dining at both locations (Los Feliz and right next to The Grove). We're going to take one second to discuss the ambiance and then get straight to the food. I think the menus are the same, but I don't specify where I ate what because I can't remember.

Okay, here's your quick ambiance thoughts because there is a ton of food to get to. It's great. Nice place to go with friends or a date. You feel hip, mysterious, and cultured all at once. You can BYOB to both locations, which is extra convenient given that the proprietor also owns a wine shop next door to each restaurant. When going to buy wine that you know nothing about, say something like "I'm really in the mood for a spanish red" but be prepared: knowing stuff about wine is one of those things that everyone fakes, so make sure you're the first one to make a generic fake comment or else you're going to look like a toolbag. Honestly, I would say the location on Beverly, next to the Grove, is a bit more intimate and better for a date, but what do I know I was probably drooling as the dishes were passing my table so I might not have been thinking clearly.

Now, In order to make this easier on everyone involved, I'm doing the food I sampled as bullet points. These are in no particular order, just what I remember eating, and everything will be given an appropriately cobra related score at the end of the entry (I do not promise that this scoring system will make sense, in fact I doubt it will).

The Cheese Plate: As has been covered in this space before, cheese plates and I have a long history. We've been friends, we've been more than friends, we've fallen out of favor and I feel like we're just getting back to that stage where we can grab a cup of coffee together and talk about the good old days. The cheese plate at Cobras may have pushed our relationship to the next level. It was mostly milder cheeses, which I prefer, although there was a bleu variety as well. Grapes and apples join the cheeses for a sweet touch, as well as an absolutely delicious olive aioli. This cheese plate made me want to get back together with cheese plates. Suffice it to say, even Indiana Jones would like this Cobra. It gets 7 out of 10 Indys.


Mushroom Paella: The texture and mouthfeel were splendid, but I feel like this was lacking in flavor a bit. I guess that's what you get when you order a dish that is primarily rice and mushrooms though, those two are just a tad more tasteful than Skinemax. Decent, but with all the flavorful dishes available here, why bother? I like this about as much as Mr. Miyagi likes the Cobra Kai. I give it 5 Danielsans out of 10.

Patatas fritas with aioli & mojo pican: Pretty standard roasted potatoes with some pretty stellar sauces. Makes a really good snack in between other dishes or a nice addition to some of the meats, but not a superstar. You can easily overlook these, but I don't think you want to. They're a nice addition to the meal. I'd say these are the one last snake that Sam Jackson doesn't notice and almost kills the witness in "Snakes on a Plane." I give them 6 crazy Sam Jackson faces out of 10.

Bacon Wrapped Prawns: Someone please try and find me something that wouldn't benefit from a little bacon wrapping. A twinkie? I always thought it could be a bit heartier. A woman? You would be paraded around the city like Clopatra if you strolled up and down LA in a bacon sarong. Christmas presents? You wouldn't have any waste from the paper scraps. The prawn is still a mystery to me. Is it a huge shrimp? Why isn't it just called a jumbo shrimp then? I doubt it's a whole new species, I just don't buy that. I do buy wrapping prawns in bacon however, and anything else for that matter. Even Rikki-Tikki-Tavi would have to agree with the Cobra on this one: 7 mongooses out of 10.
Fire Roasted Sobrasada: Allright, these are like little bites of chorizo on top of olive oil foccacia. Just a bite of deliciousness, there's no way to argue this. The concept of bread and meat together has been around for decades, and I'm not going to mess with it by making a crazy analogy here. I just can't disrespect the sandwich like that, even if it's open faced with crazy spanish sausage. I can, however, make you wonder where the hell I found a picture of a Snake Sandwich. These get 7 Snake Sandwiches out of 10.

Spanish Style Skirt Steak: Don't get me wrong, this was really really good. However, with all the delicious and dare I say more flavorful options available, why are you going for a skirt steak? If you're reaching into the more expensive options, go for the seafood paella, give that naughty girl a whirl. (Two notes: the most pricey dishes are in the 20s, whereas most things hover around 10-15 bucks. Also, I haven't tried the seafood paella, but given that the seafood was good and all the mushroom paella lacked was a little flavor, I'm guessing it's a knockout.) Anyway, yes the steak is good, but stop being boring. You're at a place called Cobras & Matadors, live a little. This dish gets the boring snake award. Only 5 of those idiot snakes from the jungle book out of 10.

Duck Confit Salad and Grilled Asparagus: I lumped these two together because I'm starting to run out of cobra themed ranking systems. Both meals are very good, but again they don't have the vibrant flavors you should seek out if you're only making one trip here. I'm going to say they're the enemy, because they stand between you and your true intentions: delicious little plates of spanish specialties. On your second trip, by all means sample these delights, but not before. As GI Joe says, now you know, and knowing is half the battle. These get 4 Evil Cobra Commanders out of 10.
Warmed Drunken Goat Cheese: Marvelous. Absolutely fantastic. This dish is served with bread, sherry poached cherries, and almond pesto. Share the love people, share it. Don't go ahead and jack all the pesto with the first bite and leave everyone without the full experience, because this is something to enjoy. Pile your little piece of bread high with cheese, cherry and pesto and indulge. This is one bite that is near perfect, much like the original American Gladiators, which featured the ever so oddly named Cobra: 8 Cobras out of 10.
Artichoke and Goat Cheese Croquettes: These things look like little mountains of goodness and do not disappoint. I don't know what goes into this process, but you end up with a bit of artichoke topped with warm gooey cheese all surrounded by some sort of gentle crispiness that holds it all together. If this croquette was a lady, she would have a firm moral base (the artichoke), a warm heart (the goat cheese), and a beautiful exterior with a bit of mystery (the crispiness). Morals, a heart of gold, and super hot with maybe some mystery? Where could we find such a woman, and is there anyway we could find a picture of her with a snake? I don't want to get greedy here, but could she be overexposed and kinda creepy as well? Awesome! The croquettes get 9 Angelina's out of 10.
Jamon Wrapped Dates: Hands down the best thing I ate in my two visits. Lets cover this process one step at a time. Dates start out okay. I got nothing for them nothing against them. I generally don't eat them because I avoid things with pits. If I get distracted by a firetruck or a pretty bird all the sudden I have a pit lodged in my throat. Not good. They've taken out the pit, replaced it with an almond. Great idea, I'm starting to like this date a little bit. Next, they surround that almond with bleu cheese and heat everything up so it's gooey and melty. Now we're talking folks. They've made this date a vessel for cheese and nut, something I always try and do with my dates. Click here, really fast, right now. Click here and push the red button. Don't read on until you've done this. I made a joke about dates and nuts, you need to click here. Finally, they wrapped this cheesy, nutty, datey goodness in some sort of chewy spanish bacon. The whole thing winds up being one bite of pure, unadulterated deliciousness. This is honestly the best Cobras has to offer in my humble opinion, and therefore it gets the best snake reference I can imagine. In the movie Escape from New York, Kurt Russell was a badass with a heart of gold, and his name was Snake. Jamon Wrapped Dates, you are badasses with a heart of nutty cheese, you get 10 Snakes out of a possible 10 Snakes.