Meat for Everyone!

I figured it out. I solved the global food crisis, and it's a lot better tasting idea than my Wendy's double the meat scheme. For those of you who didn't get the pleasure of hearing that ridiculous idea, it went something like this:

Wendy's used to let you double the amount of meat on your hamburger for a dollar. If you bought a classic triple and doubled it you would have 6 patties. But they didn't specify how many times you were allowed to double it. So another dollar, 12 patties. Another buck, 24. Thirty five dollars later, you were buying everyone in the world a beef patty. Granted, distributing them would be a bit of a challenge, but I just bought you a hamburger, you can come to me.

The problem with that idea, of course, is that not everyone likes Wendy's. I hear most Bolivians favor McDonald's and a majority of Tanzanians are Carl's Junior people. Are you serious Tanzania? Carl's Junior?!?

I then focused on buffets... There must be a way for me to sneak the world through an all you can eat buffet. A funny fake nose and glasses is good enough to get past the door lady, so we could rotate through like that, but I'm pretty sure when the same exact guy asks for his 47 thousandth slice of honey baked ham that the ham guy is going to realize something is up. You don't want to mess with a ham guy, trust me...

So then I stumbled upon a new phenomenon in eating: the Brazilian steakhouse. The one I visited was Brazzaz in Chicago, but I guess they're popping up all over the place. The set up goes something like this: you pay a ton of money to sit at a table and have different varieties of meat brought to you for your sampling delight. Filet, chicken wings, sausages, parmesan pork, spare ribs... Any meat your little heart desires, brought to you hot on a huge skewer and served by a man wearing funny pants.

The beauty of this is that there are literally dozens of these funny pantsed men running around with their big meat sticks, so a funny nose and glasses would have to work! And as long as we can keep someone overbearing and annoying at the table who also wants to help poor people -- I'm looking at you, Bono -- we can have someone yell and make a scene if they ever question the disguise, which is the perfect way to get a snooty restaurant to leave you alone. It worked for Ferris Bueller, it will work for us.

There's even a salad bar for those of you who don't like to eat meat. And if you don't like to eat the healthy vegetables or fruits, they have grilled pineapple, mashed potatoes, and fried bananas as well. Did you hear me, fat people? They have fried fruit! Have you ever, in your wildest food dreams, imagined a better way to tell Jenny Craig to fuck off?!?

In conclusion, the food is absolutely delicious, we have funny noses and Bono to get everyone in, and it's all you can eat. This plan is fool proof, so much better than the Wendy's plan. Now, the only problem we have is convincing those feisty Tanzanians that this option will be better than a Carl's Junior's Double Western Cheeseburger...

Charlie Eats Goes On Tour

So apparently the culinary gods smiled upon me and delivered my blog into the hands of the must influential restaurant reviewer ever, that Zagat asshole, and he said I must meet him in Chicago for a meal to discuss future collaborations.

Okay, nothing about that is true, but I am in Chicago and I've eaten some pretty damn good food. Here's a quick breakdown of a couple of the best meals I've had so far, and a little preview of what's to come.

Being raised in this fair city, I have my favorites and the absolute only thing I must have when I come here is Lou Malnati's Pizza. It's Chicago style pizza as it is supposed to be made: to much crust, too much sauce, too much cheese, too much meat. It's a veritable heart attack on a plate, and it's too good to put into words. If you only do one thing while you're here, do not make it a Cubs game or the Sears tower or even checking into your hotel, make it a stop at Lou's. I cannot say this enough. Rebel sects of Hungry Islamic Chicagoans pray towards the original Lou's restaurant 5 times a day. It's that good.

Enough about my religious beliefs, let's get back to the food. A few days ago I had the privilege of joining some incredibly talented women, Becca Scampini and Jenn Pecorella from our Chicago office, for a lunch that was borderline perfect. The setting for this meal was Bella Bacino's on Wacker Drive. There's a nice outdoor patio, you're right along to river and the weather was fantastic (which means there won't be another nice day for 7 years here in Chicago).

We've already covered my affinity for platters here, and the one at Bella Bacino's does not disappoint-- the name of the restaurant actual means "Beautiful Platter of Assorted Meats" (don't look that up, I'm right, I assure you; I can say that exact phrase in over 106 languages). There were a variety of Italian sausages and cheeses, but the best by far were the little seasoned balls of mozzarella. Put those balls in your mouth and you will be satisfied. It's as if the balls explode with goodness the second they hit your tongue. Honestly, I could gobble those balls all day. I could've used a bit more variety in the bread options, there was only a few pieces of little toast, but I couldn't possibly have been disappointed after all the joy I got out of their balls.

The platter was fairly substantial, but after all that talk about balls I wanted to reassert my manhood so I ordered a salad. A caprese salad to be exact, and it was pretty delicious. I have to give it to the Italians, they found something that worked and they stick with it.

While we were there, we overheard some very Italian chefs talking about their recent culinery creations; this is what they said:

Mario: Heya Tony, I tink dat dis combo of tomatoes, cheese, and bread is ah pretty good-ah.
Tony: Heya Mario, I tink yous is right.
Mario: Look at me, I made-ah a pizza with it!
Tony: Look at me, I made-ah a spaghetti with it!
Mario: Look at me, I made-ah some bruschetta with it!
Joey: Heya guys, look at me! I made-ah a salad with just cheese-ah and tomatoes!
Mario: Add-ah some bread-ah!
Tony: Hey!
Mario: Hey!
Joey: Hey!

Seriously, that happened. You have to hand it to the Italians though, they found 3 things that they liked and combined them in every way possible. Mario, Tony, and Joey would be proud of Bella Bacino's. Everything was delicious, a perfect light lunch. Nice job guys. Hey!

Coming tomorrow: I visit Brazzaz, an all you can eat Brazilian Steakhouse. I'm hoping my fingers aren't too fat to type tomorrow, but you never know.