Meat for Everyone!

I figured it out. I solved the global food crisis, and it's a lot better tasting idea than my Wendy's double the meat scheme. For those of you who didn't get the pleasure of hearing that ridiculous idea, it went something like this:

Wendy's used to let you double the amount of meat on your hamburger for a dollar. If you bought a classic triple and doubled it you would have 6 patties. But they didn't specify how many times you were allowed to double it. So another dollar, 12 patties. Another buck, 24. Thirty five dollars later, you were buying everyone in the world a beef patty. Granted, distributing them would be a bit of a challenge, but I just bought you a hamburger, you can come to me.

The problem with that idea, of course, is that not everyone likes Wendy's. I hear most Bolivians favor McDonald's and a majority of Tanzanians are Carl's Junior people. Are you serious Tanzania? Carl's Junior?!?

I then focused on buffets... There must be a way for me to sneak the world through an all you can eat buffet. A funny fake nose and glasses is good enough to get past the door lady, so we could rotate through like that, but I'm pretty sure when the same exact guy asks for his 47 thousandth slice of honey baked ham that the ham guy is going to realize something is up. You don't want to mess with a ham guy, trust me...

So then I stumbled upon a new phenomenon in eating: the Brazilian steakhouse. The one I visited was Brazzaz in Chicago, but I guess they're popping up all over the place. The set up goes something like this: you pay a ton of money to sit at a table and have different varieties of meat brought to you for your sampling delight. Filet, chicken wings, sausages, parmesan pork, spare ribs... Any meat your little heart desires, brought to you hot on a huge skewer and served by a man wearing funny pants.

The beauty of this is that there are literally dozens of these funny pantsed men running around with their big meat sticks, so a funny nose and glasses would have to work! And as long as we can keep someone overbearing and annoying at the table who also wants to help poor people -- I'm looking at you, Bono -- we can have someone yell and make a scene if they ever question the disguise, which is the perfect way to get a snooty restaurant to leave you alone. It worked for Ferris Bueller, it will work for us.

There's even a salad bar for those of you who don't like to eat meat. And if you don't like to eat the healthy vegetables or fruits, they have grilled pineapple, mashed potatoes, and fried bananas as well. Did you hear me, fat people? They have fried fruit! Have you ever, in your wildest food dreams, imagined a better way to tell Jenny Craig to fuck off?!?

In conclusion, the food is absolutely delicious, we have funny noses and Bono to get everyone in, and it's all you can eat. This plan is fool proof, so much better than the Wendy's plan. Now, the only problem we have is convincing those feisty Tanzanians that this option will be better than a Carl's Junior's Double Western Cheeseburger...