First of all, I have never ever been more excited to see a sporting event ever. Thanks to the brilliant, attractive, and incredibly well dressed folks at Shortlist Reps for making it possible for me to see my beloved Cubs in the playoffs. What with Manny fever going around, it was a bit harder to track down tickets than I had supposed, and they really came through with the best tickets I could imagine. I had the same view as Carlos Zambrano. That's him right there, shaking his leg in disgust at the Cubs' play in the center of that photo, while to his right Kerry Wood watches the last few outs go by as he debates whether to bury his sorrows in Everclear vodka or Natty Light. This picture was taken sitting down in my seat. 10 feet from big Z, and all the hotdogs I could eat: it was heaven.Getting back to the point at hand, I started the day with 2 Dodger Dogs, 2 popcorns, and a tall cool cup of diet pepsi. Now, loyal readers, I hear you all questioning the choice of beverage in your heads, but let's be honest: the food and soft drinks were limitless, the beer was incredibly limited and expensive. Any smart cubs fan, knowing that the night was most likely going to end with a depressing, sad loss, knows that beer just wasn't going to suffice. Naturally, I hollowed out my peg leg and filled it with a handle of Jack Daniels.
One inning, 2 Dodgers' runs, and half a peg leg later I was headed back to the concessions stand for a couple more hotdogs, some nachos, and the most peanuts you've ever seen. It's honestly the craziest experience ever. The vendors don't take any money and don't have anyone watching them, so you ask for a bag of peanuts and they hand you 17. I was eating peanuts like they were happy pills, like Jesus told me if I could eat more than an average circus elephant would in the same time that the Cubs would come back and win. Honestly, I was one more peanut away from being the first person sent to The Betty Ford clinic for addiction to a legume.
The final tally for the whole evening came to this: 7 Dodger Dogs, 3 orders of Nachos, one handle of Jack Daniels, seventeen thousand peanuts, and year 101 of misery for Cubs fans. The funniest part about the whole experience is that I didn't get drunk until 2 days later. I think the Dodger Dogs and Peanuts stopped my metabolism for a while, preventing the booze from having it's intended effect (convincing me that we'll win it next year).
Honestly, can you imagine what was going on in my stomach? I started hallucinating a bit after trying a few different combinations of the items (at one point I was eating a dodger dog dipped in nacho cheese and rolled in popcorn -- don't doubt me when I say I would try anything to get a Cubs victory). Anyways, in the midst of my hallucinations I saw my stomach, it was a beautiful bucolic plain, and then out of nowhere little weiner dogs wearing dodger shirts started running around everywhere. And it was surprising, but manageable, until this crazy old dude with a mustache showed up and started chasing the dogs. Out of nowhere giant peanuts were raining from the sky and waves of nacho cheese were washing everything away. Apparently my buddy Jack doesn't play well with others, and it didn't help that he was trying to herd Dodger Dogs while the apocalypse played out with Peanuts and Nachos in the stead of Fire and Brimstone.The most amazing part of the night, however, was that I didn't get shot. Not only was I a Cubs fan in Chavez Ravine, but I had to make sure everyone knew it too. No, I wasn't loud and annoying, after all we were losing. I did however find an authentic, LA way to display that I was rooting for the Blue and Red team, not the Blue and White one. Tupacwouldda been proud of me. Too bad the Cubs and I are both starin' at the playoffs through our rearview...
